Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Sponge bath it is.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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