I could have mohawked her pubes.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize