Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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