Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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