i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
