I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
