i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
