yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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