we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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