so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
