I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
