Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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