Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
This is the high leading the old right now
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
