No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
