even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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