Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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