i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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