I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
