Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
