I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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