Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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