Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
