Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
