A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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