She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
