i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
