mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
