Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
her vagine was all disorganized.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
