God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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