I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
