Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
