She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
