Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
