Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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