You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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