just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
