Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
