The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
