dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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