Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
