All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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