Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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