no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
