he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
