i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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