it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
