Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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