dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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