If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
