sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
