Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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