swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
