It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
