There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
