i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
