how can u be prego again
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you had me at cake vodka
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
